An Ode to Didacticism


If I was a newsagent

I would weep

Blurry tears splashing the moveable type

Oh, will these hands never be clean?


If I was a paperboy

I would pummel your letterbox

With rolled up prongs of hate and headlines

Tits, football, and a crossword you can finish


If I was a drinker

Slumped bitter over bitter

I would snatch the bile from between your fingers

And offer you twos on my Guardian


Give it a go!

It’ll hit you like a revelation

Fashion tips for each new day

Shaped like a doughnut with the face of JFK

It’ll open your mind – I’ve never been surer…

… Stop reading letters

From bigots

In Fuerteventura


And those who shudder at gipsies

At thieves

At knives on the street

At the dangers of a glass of red wine a day

At local government

At the BBC

At the benefits of a glass of red wine a day

At oppressed B&B’s

At trade unions

At red blooded socialism and the redistribution of wealth

And perhaps another glass of red wine a day

At winterval

Baa baa green sheep

And other entertaining animals

At metric martyrs and the EU gravy train

… and house prices


Always, there are the house prices.


These people need a little Polly Toynbee in their lives!

Time for a change.


I’ve fingerpicked the archive

A lever arch file crammed with ten years of Richard Littlejohn

Cross referenced to the sex scenes in his novel

Busts of Karl Marx used in inappropriate ways

Spanking scenes with legal aid

(There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Hague…)


I fumed when Murdoch phone-tapped John Terry

We urged Americans to vote for John Kerry

And Ed Miliband has stopped returning my emails…


I’d like to arrange (if it isn’t too late)

An earnest Oxford Union debate

And therefore achieve the fruit of my labours

And make common folk read quality papers

Rise up the proles! Set down the Sun!

And read Martin Kettle on page 31!

Women! Be counted! Eschew the hair grips!

For Jess Carter-Morley’s hot fashion tips!

Start to vote YES on the AV referendum

If the G2 sells out – try the Independent…

It is – are you?


For deeper discussions, try the New Statesman

I’m filled with more empathy than Patrick Bateman

They haven’t found Maddie! Diana’s still dead!

You can’t stave off cancer by eating less bread!

So why don’t you

Put down that newspaper

And do something more interesting instead.


One Response to “Men of Straw”

  1. Fabulous poem Chris!!
    Would like very much to come to your gig on 9th. Helping my bro look after my sick Dad at the moment so hopping between here and the midlands. If I’m here on the 9th I’ll come. Can you put my name on the door plus friend please? I will text you if I can’t make it….. Could sure do with a good dose of the Polymath though. rsvp.

    Sue Pearson, still a Poetgardener. x

    p.s. if you need a Chris lookyliky-type doll for your mike stand, let me know. See website.

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